faLLen angeL

One of the earliest blog posts I have is about a song I think reflects what my life is… Juvenile… and as Doc Arni (hey i miss you) puts it, just so full of angsts. I realized that my life could never be contained in a single song. It’s more like for every chapter of my life, I have a soundtrack associated to it. One that I unconsciously compile and listen to very often during that particular period.

After three years, I think am back to be more or less the person I believe I really am… Nice to be back I’d say.. Grew up lots, still growing up, but everything else seems to be intact–nothing lost… Ritz told me during the time that I am… well, not good at all, that I’ve become such a different person. Very very far from the friend she knows. I never did believe her. I’ve always known that I’d come around, if I get to “pass through”. And I did.

One of the many songs in my soundtrack right now… Because often than not, what I want is here and now… But often than not, here and now’s been and gone, even before you kow it…

We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
Are said too much
They’re not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

there are two persons who’ve caused so much damage in my life…

they are rhon atienza and ron carlo…

funny…

should’ve learned my lesson with the first one…

they just don’t know how much they’ve caused me…

one of the hardest things to put up with is being left hanging…

nothing left to do but make speculations, and unitl you know the answer for sure, you’ll still be left with the hope that somehow things will get better. but lately i have learned not to hope that things will get better because most of the time, they don’t. and though i feel it’s a sin to be losing hope, it keeps you from getting hurt.

one day, you’ll get your answers… maybe not all, but at least some… though the answers usually hurt, it is still better to know the truth than be left wondering and be forever haunted by questions your heart feels should be answered.

it is not easy living in the dark. when the only thing keeping you alive is the support and love of people who truly cares. and even if they do really care, it hurts even more to see them care for you because at this moment in time, they should not be the one doing that for you… it damn hurts to be done things which should have done by somebody else… but of course, as is constant in my life, i am always left with no choice but to just try to go on and just accept things as they are..

this is my prayer to god everyday—that he gives me enough strength to continue fighting and that he teach me how to accept things that are really not meant for me. i thought acceptance was something i have known how to do all my life. but there are some things that you just can’t seem to sigh away and swallow… and that requires more acceptance skills i guess… i have always been a fighter.. i get over things in a flash after grieving about it. this one though, feels like it’s gonna be staying for quite some time. each day i wake up feeling more tired than yesterday. i just can’t seem to rest, i can’t seem to be at peace. it feels like hell, like dying slowly everyday….

the only light shining at the end of the tunnel now, is the thought that next year, am gonna meet the most important person in my life—my baby…

i feel sorry for her/him though, because she deserves to feel very much loved and accepted. although she/he would definitely get that from me, she/he won’t get it from the other half of her/his whole being—her/his dad. i say sorry to her everyday because of this.. if there is just something i could do… but there won’t be any… i just wish she/he feels that i have loved her/him the moment i found out she/he is coming in this world. that i fought for her/him when her/his goddamn father wanted her aborted. life will never be easy for us. but we will survive because i will do everything i can to provide her/him with only the best, even if it kills me. even if i feel like am barely even alive…

when you’re left with just the pieces, what is there to do!? i guess, just die everyday, and hope that someday, you’ll feel alive again…

i just woke up and just had breakfast… why am i so sleepy again? i’m so moody, and damn hungry all the time…

surprise! surprise! am gonna be a mom…

yesterday i had a talk with my bestfriend lharz… recalled the events of the past month. i realized, the time i found out i was pregnant, was the time i was trying to move on… and we just had a laugh when we realized, i haven’t got anywhere at all. am still here, stranded, and having even more trouble moving on.. how!? when  you will forever be left a reminder!? geez!

on the brighter side though, it’s a beautiful reminder, because mom says a baby is always a gift, a blessing, no matter what..

i’ll be fine i know… but i now am finding out, how hard it is to be in this situation, and be alone…

so hard to wake up in the morning feeling nauseated and no one is there to help you out. no one to hold your hand when you feel too damn tired to get out of bed. no one to rub your back when your head is down the sink and you’re throwing up. no one to hold you at night when you wake up cold and alone. no one to go with you on your trips to your ob. no one to bring you food when you’re fuckin’ craving for something…

how i envy my sister, fhely… life was nicer to her when she was having her baby. she didn’t have to force herself to work, like i do. i have to practically drag myself out of bed and out of the house to work, even if it’s raining hard, even if i feel so sick–because no one will provide for me, and now someone is gonna depend on me… ate had someone to be with her, to give her support… i only have the sorry looks from friends and from people who are aware of the situation.

but then, maybe it’s better to have no one rather than have someone stay by you, not because he truly cares, but just because he’s guilty of what happened. i think i at least deserve to be truly loved and cared for. and why i don’t get it, i don’t understand. i guess that’s just the way it is.

it really is unfair, when you have so much love to give and you have been true to the people you thought cared for you. after some time you see the bigger picture… they don’t really care, they’re just using you, and i was too naive to realize that. i never thought the people i have been true to, don’t really care… i am sorry that i wasted so much care, concern, effort, and even love to people who don’t deserve such…

maybe that’s why god gave me this baby… maybe this baby will be my family, so that i won’t ever feel alone anymore. so i won’t feel that no one cares, that no one needs me… and maybe , this baby will be the rightful recepient of all the love and care i could give…

crossroads… that’s where i am now…

slowly, it’s all becoming clear. lharz is right. before i could plan on helping out my family, i need to help myself first.

i made up my mind. i’m doing things my way and live life on my own, the way i want to. not that i’m being a rebel or anything. but i guess it really is time that i should assert my independence. all my life i have let other people affect my decision, believing that the right thing to do is to consider what they say because they know better. but sometimes even if they have much more experience in life, it might be better to just trust your instincts and fight for what you believe in. and now, it’s just what i am planning to do.

once i get work, am moving out and find my own place. live solo. start out on my own, alone…

wish me luck…

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I’d just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I’d end up happy
I would pray

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly.
Though it’s not easy to tell you goodbye
Take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won’t forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away
Breakaway
Break away

it amazes me that people could get me so annoyingly wrong… more often than not, the impression i give off is so so different from the way i see myself and the way the people closest to me see me…

i know i am solely responsible for the way i carry myself, but the again, i don’t think i can ever compromise my beliefs just so i could make myself appear the way i would want to be seen. then again, i think it would be nice, in a twisted kind of way, that you are so different from what you seem like. i guess that would somehow make you more interesting because there would still be a lot to know about you. but people could be so judgmental that they just wouldn’t give a damn anymore to find out what someone really is like and so we fall on the trap of branding people based on our impressions of them.

it hit me, so hard in fact, when someone i considered to be real special told me straight to my face that he just doesn’t think people like me are capable of loving truly and faithfully… i admit i did break off past relationships but not because i couldn’t love, but simply because i loved truly enough to be downright honest. now, my SD (and she knows me a helluvah lot better) told me that this someone just don’t deserve my love, because she knows what i am capable of giving in a relationship and she knows how greatly i can love another.. now that is seeing me, for all that i am, for what i really am…  and to that someone who has seen me as a hardcore biatch, i may seem crazy and carefree, but just so you know, there are lots’a things you can’t tell, just by looking at me…

Put away the pictures, put away the memories
I go over and over through my tears
I’ve held them ’til I’m blind, they kept my hope alive
as if somehow that might keep you here
won’t you believe in a love forevermore
how do you leave it in a drawer

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that’s holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I’m just learning, learning the art of letting go

Try to say it’s over, say the word good bye
but each time it catches in my throat
you’re still here with me and i can’t set you free
so I hold on to what i wanted most
maybe someday we’ll be friends forevermore
wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes the hardest part of all
unchain my heart that’s holding on
how do I start to live my life alone
guess I’m just learning, learning the art of letting go

What can I say, what can I do
but try to make it through the pain
not one more day without you

Where do I start to live my life alone
I guess I’m learning, I’ll be learning
learning the art of letting go

ywh is that everytime you wanna try and just be happy, it rains on your parade!? not that i let things affect me, but i have to admit there really are some things that really gets to my nerves which, not even my strongest willpower, could totally control…

i have not been crying in a long while, although there are fairly good reasons to be doing so… i guess i was in a way testing my limits to see how far i can go when it comes to controlling the sobfest. i succeeded, mind you… and it was a good feeling. i know that crying is not at all a sign of weakness, but rather a healthy thing to do which keeps you from going psycho… however, it is fulfilling to know that you have control over your emotions and that you are only going to topple over when it really is time to do so and not waste precious tears (and the propability of getting wrinkles) crying over something that isn’t even worth a teardrop. also, i’ve come to realize that i just couldn’t let anyone see my pain. i would rather cry alone, or better, cry to lharz… she is the only person who has ever seen me cry since i got a hold of my tearflow.. it was worth every sigh, worth every sob, and the feeling after doing so was like no other. like i was carrying this really really big backpack and after crying my heart out to lharz, she took the backpack and exchanged it for a purse… i know i deserve that good cry because i have reason enough to do so. that i didn’t just bawl over something like a kid. and i promised myself that from now on, apart from my mirror, lharz is the only other living entity that i’d cry to.

why not let anyone see the sobfests!? cuz there are lots of people who depend on me because they think i am strong. that am gonna be fine so they could skip minding me… that’s why. if they see me like that, who would be the "calm and composed" member of the family!?

this morning was kind’a terrible because i again saw something that i just couldn’t help but cry over. it’s just too much. lharz is there and i am here and so i cried alone… that’s when i came to think how incredibly wonderful it was to hug lharz and let her see my fears and worries. to feel her hand stroking my back and telling me that i am strong, that there are better days that lie ahead… i miss that, and tomorrow, as soon as i get out of bed, am’a go see her.

another rainy day and i haven’t slept a wink… been up all night…

woke up at ten am yesterday and haven’t been to bed eversince. funny… i cannot usually last this long without sleep but lately, i seem to be kept awake without the slightest effort.

checked my caffeine intake… it’s totally within normal range… so how come do i find it hard to keep these eyes shut!?

gonna lie down now and lock my door. let’s hope no one knocks ’til i doze off…

i miss lharz… i really do… when it’s all rainy and chilly, i wish i were sitting by the sofa with her enjoying a hot cup of san mig coffee… now, how could life be any better than that!?….

Hey Mom
Why didn’t you tell me
Why didn’t you teach me a thing or two
You just let me go
Out into the World
You never thought to share what you knew

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

Hey Mom
Why didn’t you warn me
Coz about boys is something i should have known
They`re like chocolate cake
Like cigarettes
I know they’re bad for me
But I just can’t leave ‘em alone

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

I wanna do it again
Oh, felt so good

Hey Mom
Since we’re talking
What was it like when you were young
Has the world changed
Or is it still the same
A man can kill and still be the sweetest thing

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

And it felt so good
I want to do it again